Deck personalities— I feel like I’m crazy
Tl;dr at the bottom. I’m not entirely sure which flair to use.
Tarot cards are something I’ve wanted for many years. I was raised in a very conservative Christian community, so despite knowing that my mom would support my curiosity as long as it was “idle”, I never mentioned it. We escaped the church and my dad about eight years ago, and have slowly been learning and changing our views and opinions. A couple years ago, I read an article about how some Game Masters (I run Dungeons and Dragons) incorporate tarot cards into their games― and it was really cool! So I put “a nice deck of tarot cards” onto my gift ideas list (I keep master lists for everybody in our household, as four out of five of us are very hard to shop for), because as much as I wanted one, I had to prioritize other expenses.
Earlier this year, for my last birthday, my agnostic sister gave me a beautiful art nouveau-style deck. It was particularly special, because aesthetically, we have virtually nothing in common. Art Nouveau is the only taste we share, and it took her some trouble to find one that she knew we would both like. She could have gotten any style, but chose the one that we would both connect with! I’m so happy about that! At the time, I had no idea that many people prefer that their first deck be a gift from somebody else.
Anyways, I decided to get to know the cards before trying to ask them anything. It just felt like walking up to a total stranger and forcibly interrogating them. So for a couple of weeks, I did a bunch of reading, watched some YouTube videos, joined this subreddit, and just spent time handling the deck and looking at the pictures/symbolism. When I did start doing draws, I found them disturbingly accurate, much to my surprise. I had only ever expected to use them for storytelling and secular meditation.
One thing I started to notice, was that my deck left me with strong but vague feelings of gentleness, motherly affection, fluidity, and guidance. I thought I was reading too much into it (err.. no pun intended). Until this morning, when I saw, in the comments of another post here, somebody mentioned that each of their decks had different voices. So now I find myself wondering how many others have had similar experiences.
Growing up under abusers has seriously damaged up my ability to trust my instincts. If something seems odd, my first and strongest impulse is to say, “I’m crazy and imagining things.” I’m so anxious that I might be imposing my own values and desires onto my cards. But, as I said before, my draws are usually alarmingly accurate, so I think― I hope― that I must be doing *something* right.
tl;dr: It feels like I’m crazy; my deck seems to have a personality, but I worry that it’s just me projecting.