Background: about a month ago I got diagnosed with autism after a lifetime of being self-diagnosed. Originally, I hoped that having an official diagnosis would make it possible for me to get accommodations at work. Shortly after, though, I got information that made me feel unsafe disclosing my disability. (Basically, a lawyer warned me that I could be fired illegally and that it would be very difficult to prove that I was fired due to my disability.) I'm in a profession that requires really inhumane levels of commitment but that offers a lot of security once you reach a certain level–think, partner at a law firm, although this is not the real situation. I hope that soon I will have the security that would enable me to "come out" at work, but I don't have it now. I'm afraid that my disability will keep me from reaching that top level, however. So I've been dealing with a lot of depression.
I did a spread the other day–a self-exploratory spread, nothing divinatory or yes/no or anything like that–with the question, "In the wake of my diagnosis, how should I think about my goals of creating stability for myself?" I kept it very open-ended on purpose.
Here's how I read this spread. This spread reflects to me how much inner turmoil I am in, and how deep it is. The two of swords reflects that I am facing a choice but that I have not yet achieved objective clarity about it; as a result, the right decision is to wait to make a decision. The king of cups, in the "above," reflects both my own inner turmoil and also the possibility of some kind of dirty dealing in my workplace that could make me unsafe. The ten of wands suggests that my workplace is ready to turn me into a martyr, of a kind: to fetishize my disabled status but also make me pay the price for it. The knight of wands reflects my own profound desire and even hope to "ride out in protest," so to speak, but in its reversal, it reminds me that such a protest could be incredibly destructive. At the same time, the presence of two pages in the spread (page of cups, page of swords) helps to remind me that I am at a phase of my life when I am young again, so to speak. I am young in my new identity as an officially disabled person/person in a legally protected class, and I am young/new in the process of fully understanding how my disability impacts me at work.
I am wondering how this picture of my situation helps me to answer my original question. I guess there is some good and some bad news here. It suggests maybe that stability comes in part through self-awareness, and through using appropriate caution at this time in my life, given how many threats there are in my environment? I don't know.
Some questions I have: 1) there are a number of court cards here. Is there a different way to read them than how I have done? 2) I notice that there are no major arcana at all here, which is interesting. Does anyone have a reading/interpretation of that fact? 3) does anyone have a reading of how clustered these cards are–clustered around aces and twos on the one hand, and court cards on the other, but no major arcana cards (as I mentioned) and also no pips above a two?
Also, does anyone just have a really different reading than I do? Any and all thoughts welcome.
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